Dating someone with bpd
Being the one to initiate that pain rather than being at the effect of it, gives them a semblance of control which is their payoff for instigating turmoil. Watching their physical wounds heal, gives them a glimmer of hope that other types of trauma may ultimately subside as well. No such thing will ever exist for the Borderline. This blame-game is actually a transference issue. This is when you must take inventory of all the chaos and torment you were subjected to during the last go-round.
They're actually afraid of attachment. Again, this represents uncontrollable pain, which triggers acting-out defenses. There's a desperate need in every Borderline to find and experience the symbiotic attachment that he or she missed out on, during their earliest phase of development. It really hasn't much to do with you, even when it sounds perfectly plausible.
The education and insights you've gained haven't made a dent, in terms of your inner experience of this relationship, and how it erodes your stability, sanity and self-worth. Their defenses are deeply entrenched, automatic and reflexive because they need them, to survive. Nevertheless, the Borderline easily triggers rageful reactions from you, because they're Master Baiters you should pardon the expression. They're so full of self-loathing, they can't handle anyone being aware of their shortcomings.
Within a healthy relational dynamic, we can work through our misunderstandings, rebalance with our partner and go on from there. Make a list of their torturous, confusing, ugly behaviors and stick it on your bathroom mirror and refrigerator, so you'll read it at least once a day. But a woman who's disconnected from her own feelings and needs can't do that. If our ex-lover agrees to speak to us, they'll make us believe that we're at fault for their leaving. If it were, their behaviors and words would match, and you've had far too many contradictory instances that have made you doubt and distrust their verbal expressions of caring or affection.
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